Here Without You
by Simply Cynical
Summary: Total AU. What if John died, and Mary lived? After all she did know the demon, right? What also happens if, despite the hunting they do, Dean leaves for college... Finally giving Sammy the opportunity to realize that he feels more than brotherly love...
1. Prologue

TITLE: Here Without You

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it tho. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

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PROLOGUE

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Sam sat on the porch steps and watched. This wasn't happening. Sam clenched his jaw, watching Dean lean against his car in the drive. Dean smirked at him, and Sam bowed his head and then looked away.

It wasn't fair. Dean wasn't supposed to leave. Dean was supposed to be there for him no matter what. Dean had always been there for him... Sam clenched his jaw and blinked back tears; he felt like such a damn girl.

Mary walked out of the side door with a laundry basket on her hip. "Okay, Dean; this is the last thing I'm forcing you to take."

Dean laughed and shoved off the car, half jogging over to take it from his mother's grasp. Dean laid it on top of the truck's hood, sparing the impala the weight if it. Dean turned around just as Mary came to a stop. She had her arms crossed over her chest, but a smile was on her face as the wind tugged at her pinned back hair. "All set?"

Dean nodded, his smile softening, "Just about yeah."

Mary nodded, "I'm so proud of you, Dean..."

Dean's neck flushed and he smiled, fighting to keep the blush off his face, "I know you are, Mom."

"Your dad..." she paused and smiled a teary eyed smile, "I know he'd be proud of you, too."

Dean's jaw ticked, "Yeah, I know."

Mary rubbed Dean's shoulder, and then she hugged him. Dean clutched her tightly for a long moment and then released her. Mary smiled, and then tossed a look over her shoulder at Sam who was looking pointedly away, his jaw clenching just like his big brother's.

"I'm going to let you two say goodbye..." She looked up at him, squinting in the late summer sun. "Get me before you go?"

Dean nodded, and Mary nodded as well before heading back to the side door.

He waited until his mom was all the way in the house before he walked over to Sam and sank down on the step next to him. Sam looked down at his hands, and then stared pointedly ahead ignoring the tear shining down his cheek.

Dean swallowed, assuming an identical position., "Look, Sammy..." he shook his head, "I never meant to hurt you, this is just something I've gotta do..."

"Yeah," Sam's voice cracked, "Yeah; I know," he angrily swiped his sleeve over his cheek.

"And, if you think about it," Dean looked at him, at his profile, "In two years, you're gonna do the same thing." He chuckled, "Or three if you take a year off like I did... Not that you would, Geek Boy."

Sam barely let a smile tinge his cheeks, "Jerk."

"Bitch." This time Sam flat out grinned. "We okay, Sammy?"

"Yeah... I'm just gonna miss you, you know?"

Dean nodded, "Yeah..." Sam looked at him for the first time, "I know, Sammy; I'm gonna miss you, too."

They stood up, "Damn it, Sam; what have I told you?" Sam rolled his eyes and chuckled, "No chick flick moments."

"No chick flick moments, exactly. Now, here," he whipped something at Sam. He caught it without thinking. Keys. "Dean, what...?"

Dean didn't answer right away, opting instead to take a moment and cram the empty laundry basket on to the passenger's seat of the truck. "Mom said I could take the truck; more room stuff, you know?" Sam nodded, still bewildered. "So, I figured, you could use a pair of wheels..."

His brow furrowed, and then it hit him, "Dean, no."

"It's not a request, Sammy." He stared his younger brother down, "I'm not bringing my baby on campus to get wrecked by some drunk frat brother."

Sam stared at the keys in his hand. "So, you thought I could use some wheels...?" he let one eyebrow raise as he looked at Dean.

Dean shrugged, "Well, yeah; that too." He slammed the door, and turned to look at him. "Look, Sammy, I know this is gonna be different, and, yeah, it's probably gonna suck; but it's not like we're not gonna see each other... Breaks, weekends...

"You can come stay with me whenever you want..." Sam nodded, his finger's tightening around the keys. He clenched his jaw and fought back the tears again.

This was a first... Dean was flat out lying to him.

Dean wasn't going to come home on weekends, or on breaks; that's when they hunted. Mom never let it interfere with their school work, but she still took them hunting as often as possible. Dean wasn't going to give that up. Hell, if he could he probably would've made it his career.

Dean slowly turned around, and lifted his head; he knew he was lying, and he knew Sam knew it too. He licked his lips, and sighed, holding his arms out.

Sam sprinted into them, gravel shooting up under his feet. He clutched his brother like he didn't know when he was going to see him again, because, in all honesty, he didn't know when he would see Dean again.

Dean held him just as tightly; he and Sam had never not gone on a hunt together... And it wasn't that he didn't think his mom was a good hunter, or that Sammy wasn't... It was just that Dean was used to being there, and now... Well, now he wasn't going to be...

He sniffed as manly as he could and clapped Sam on the back before releasing him. Sam squeezed him tightly and then released him, not bothering to hide his tears this time.

Dean cleared his throat and walked around to the drivers side and opened the door. "Mom!"

Mary came out with a soft smile on her face, "Ready?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Dean cast a long look at Sam, who was staring at him intently, before hugging his mom. "Bye, guys, I'll talk to you soon."

He climbed into the truck and set the music before pulling out. Mary wrapped her arm around Sam's waist, and they stood there watching him pull out. Sam with his jaw clenched, a tear sliding down his cheek, and Mary with a proud smile on her face.

Dean swallowed thickly and tossed one last wave as he drove down the street.

Sam wiped his tears off, and then tossed Mary's arm from around him, sprinting up to the house.

"Sam? What's wrong?" she asked, bewildered.

"He wasn't supposed to leave me!" came the broken reply just before the front door slammed.


	2. Chapter 1: And So it Begins

TITLE: Here Without You

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it tho. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

DEDICATIONS: I have to dedicate this to "timme", fairyofmusic, " '-'IncubusHelen'-' ", and "random-laughter" for their reviews. And to those lovely six who added me to their alert lists. Thank you all so so much.

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CHAPTER ONE: And So it Begins...

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Sam was in bed, surprise surprise. He sighed and looked at the ceiling. So this was it, this was what it was like waking up nine days after your brother left for college and you had talked to him once.

The room was still dark, the sun wasn't even up yet, but Sam knew he couldn't sleep... He never could anymore. He sighed again and sat up, the weight of the shadowy bags under his eyes causing him to slouch. He kicked the thin sheet from around his waist and walked to his desk, sinking into the seat and opening his laptop. He nudged the small touch screen and it quietly whirred to life. He signed into his two instant messengers, and the second immediately alerted him to a new message.

"Damn spammers," he muttered, clicking on the notice and waiting for his mail box to load.

"Next Weekend" the subject line on his new message read. He had selected it to be deleted, but then he saw the message service. **kansasu,com**. was no way... he clicked on it and waited, his heart not beating as it loaded.

"_Hey, Sammy,_

"_I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but I'm saying something now... Man, college is busy as hell. Even when you aren't in class you're thinking about class. _

"_The homework is insane; either they don't assign any and you bomb the tests, or they assign a ten-page paper every damn week. _

"_On the plus side, parties here are unbelievable."_ Sam smirked slightly.

"_Anyway, I been thinkin', Sammy, you'd love it here. The library has a whole shit load of books just waiting to be read by someone, and I think someone should use my library card; 'cause you know I'm not going to."_ Sam smirked again, that was true.

"_There's a party in my dorm next weekend, and I was thinking that my geekboy brother could use some under-age drinkin' on his resume. _

"_And if that doesn't get you -but I don't know how drunkinly reading Billy Shakespear wouldn't get you here, perhaps my lovely company will?_

"_Either way, get back to me._

"_Dean"_

Sam stared at the screen. His brother wanted him to come visit him because there was a party?

"Seriously?" Sam uttered. That was it? A party?

He scrolled down to close the message, and then he felt like an ass.

_"Miss ya, Sammy."_

And there was that small sentence too. Sam felt himself smile for the first time in over a week.

He clicked reply instead of close.

"_Dean,_

"_Took you long enough, asshole..."_

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Sam was twitchy the entire day, all he wanted to do was get home and check his email. Dean would have had ample time to have read his message by then.

Thankfully, it was his last period and he was about to take off. Five minutes left; he didn't know how he made it that long... He slid his math book into the camouflage backpack Dean had picked out for him when they were hunting a skin-walker in Greensboro, North Carolina.

That was a good time. He rolled his eyes and flipped his pen in his hand. That was the first time Mom had ever let us go on a hunt alone, he thought. And it wasn't that bad... They stumbled across the skin walker that Thursday night, silver bullet to the heart and the jig was up for that "evil son of a bitch" as Dean so eloquently put it.

That was also the first time Dean all out lied to Mom, he realized with a jot, the pen spinning faster now. Dean had called that night and said they hadn't found it yet. Mary believed him, wasn't really hard to believe... He had spent the night with his brother drinking from a twenty four pack of bottles Dean sweet talked some woman into buying for him.

They talked about do much random shit that night...

They had started off talking about the job...And that's when he'd brought up Dad.

Sam had never asked Dean any questions about John... He knew better.

But then he'd gotten drunk. First damn time too, just after he turned sixteen.

That was the first time he'd ever seen the chink in Dean's armour... It was also the first night he'd heard the whole story about Dad's death... His murder. He wasn't sure which was scarier.

He'd known bit's and pieces of the story; knew that that was the reason Mary had pulled Dean and Sam hunting once they got old enough.

But that night... That night Dean had looked at him over the beer bottle as they sat on the king bed and he realized that this was something Sam needed to talk about, something he needed to hear, because everyday that he didn't know something was a day that he questioned everything; his ignorance was like a wound and everyday that passed was a new disease that infected it, and the more pain it caused.

And there was only one thing that Dean hated more than Sam in pain, and that was knowing that he could have done something to stop him from hurting.

So he told him.

Told him how he had snuck into Sam's nursery to still his cries before his parent woke up. Sam smiled at that , even when Dean was a kid he'd wanted to protect him. But then Dean had gotten really serious, couldn't even look at Sam, opting instead to stare at his empty beer bottle.

"_It's like this, Sam... Dad, he ran into the room calling out Mom's name... But then he smiled, musta realized that... That she wasn't there, that it had been a dream... A nightmare._

"_He walked over to your crib, and he smiled down at you... And he said," Dean swallowed hard, and Sam moved to sit next to him, Dean glanced at him, teary eyed and then back down at his bottle, "He said that whenever he lost mom... All he had to do was look at you or me, and there she'd be... Or if he lost you -he never lost me, I used to annoy the crap out of him- all he had to do was find her, and there you'd be..._

"_He said that he never got to get your cries because she'd always get them first... And then he laughed._

"_That's when I saw him, the demon... He was in the doorway behind him. I couldn't say anything, I was confused..._

"_Dad turned around and saw him, and he yelled... I don't know what he yelled, I just know he did..._

"_And then Mom came, and she yelled, "Hey!" and the demon turned around and smirked, waving his hand and Mom slammed into the wall..."I told you to leave him the hell alone!" she screamed, and Dad... He tried to sneak up on the demon and that didn't make him too happy..._

"_He made this long streak across Dad's chest... and slammed him into the wall._

"_Mom... she screamed, and... And the demon looked at her and tsked... He wagged his finger at her. She tried to get off the wall, and the demon..._

"_It just looked at Dad ... and touched him... Just_ touched_ him... that's when the fire started... _

"_And the demon looked at Mom and... It just disapeared..._

"_And she fell off... She fell off the wall..." Sam was watching Dean intently, wrapping his arm around his brother when he saw the first tear finally fall. Dean's voice was broken, so filed with pain._

"_And she ran over to you... Leaned over and scooped you up... She got you just in time..._

"_Right in time, Sammy... She got you and it burst into flames..._

"_That's when she saw me... She ran over to me and... And she put you in my arms... and I... She told me too take you outside... To go as fast as I could..._

"_So I did... I have never... Never run that fast..." Dean scrubbed his hand over his face, and collapsed against Sam. And even as he laid against his brother, he didn't sob as the tears fell, he was just breathing raggedly as he tried to keep it all in._

Sam wiped at a tear that escaped him, and slid his pen and notebook into his bag and slung it over his shoulder as the bell rang; freedom.

Sam walked out to the impala and sat down after opening the creaky door. He drove hom about as fast as Dean generally drove.

He was home in record time.

"Sam, is that you?" Mary called as he slammed the front door behind him as he ran up the stairs.

"Yeah!" he yelled and closed his bedroom door.

He sat down at the laptop and waited impaciently as it rebooted. Then he sat there and waited for his mail box to load...

There was nothing there, nothing new.

Sam took of his backpack and tossed it onto his bed as he flopped down next to it, unbelievable.


	3. Chapter 2: What the Hell?

TITLE: Here Without You

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it tho. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

DEDICATIONS: I have to dedicate this to "fairyofmusic", "random-laughter", " '-'IncubusHelen'-' ", "SUPERNATANGEL67", and "Creeno" for their reviews. And to those lovely twelve who added me to their alert lists, not to mention the favorite adds. Thank you all so so much.

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CHAPTER TWO: What the Hell?

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Sam sighed, looking at the shadows crossing his ceiling as the sun set. His brother was officially an ass. You can't invite someone to a party and then ignore them, that's just not what you do.

Sam rolled over, his back to his window and tucked his arm under his head. He rolled his eyes and sighed again, starring straight at his open laptop. He kicked his backpack to the ground and then stood and walked over to it. He ran his finger over the touch pad, and it whirred, hiding the screen-saver once more. He clicked onto his myspace, glancing over it.

All of his top eight were friends of Dean's, had left with him to go to college. Sam really didn't like kids his own age, they acted like real pains in the ass. Dean's friends were pains, too; but they hung out with Dean, so they were pains he could deal with.

There was nothing new, shocking.

Sam X-ed out and stood and turned back to his bed, and heard Mary call, "Sam, dinner's ready!"

"I'm not hungry." He hollered back, flopping on his bed once again.

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It was maybe ten o'clock when Sam peeled his eyes open once again, he huffed and stood, rolling the crick out of his neck.

He walked to the door; his throat was surprisingly dry. As he slunk down the hall, not wanting to alert his mother to the fact he was up and about, he noticed the light on downstairs. He crept over to the railing and listened.

"No, Viv; I'm just trying to figure it out," Mary said quietly, the sound of the fridge closing punctuated her statement. "I mean, I know all of Sam's friends went the same way as Dean, but Sam used to talk to me." She stopped, and Sam imagined she was on the phone. "Well, he hasn't said anything, that's what's bothering me. I think it's all that combined that's really getting to him. ... I just wish he would talk to me, I know he's a teenage and talking to your mom is practically punishment at that age, but I think it would help."

Sam huffed again and pushed himself off the railing; screw his friends, he'd ditch them all if it meant he could have Dean back. He walked back to his room and snapped his laptop shut on his way back to the bed.

He lay back down on his bed, and pulled a pillow over his head.

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Sam leaned against the impala impatiently sipping coffee as he waited for Dean. He took a last swallow and whipped the empty paper cup into the trash. He crossed his arms and stared at his feet for a moment before looking up once more. Was that-? It was.

There was Dean in his patented distressed leather jacket and jeans. Had he been noticed yet? No. Sam smiled, dimples framing his pearly whites.

There it was, Dean did a double take as he saw Sam. Then he smiled and swiftly walked in his direction, speed walking and the half sprinting.

"What the hell are you doing here, Sammy?" Dean called as he got closer.

Sam laughed and pushed himself off the car as Dean came to a stop in front of him. They stared at each other for a moment, "Missed you, Jerk."

"Bitch," Dean smirked, and pulled his brother against him, they're lips meeting in a hot kiss.

Sam closed his eyes and opened his lips. The way Dean kissed him, it was like he was pulling his souls from deep within him up and into his heart. The sweetness from Sam's coffee mixed with the spice of Dean's mint gum to make a heady mixture. Sam pivoted his head and clutched Dean's coat pulling him harder against him. Dean tangled his hands in Sam's slightly shaggy hair. Sam reveled at the feeling at the feeling of his brother's large calloused hands against his skin.

He whimpered slightly and pushed his hands under the back of Dean's jacket.

Dean pulled back, perfect heart shaped lips swollen, bruised, and slightly parted as he pulled in a breath. "Missed you, too, Sammy," he breathed before pulling Sam back into another harsh yet love-filled kiss.

Sam sat up in bed, blinking against the harsh sunlight against his eyes. _**What the hell was that?**_


End file.
